While You Were Sleeping

You don't know this, but last night as I cuddled up to you, I cried just a little bit. I tried to cry real softly because you had a 5AM meeting this morning and I wanted you to sleep. But I cried because I started thinking about our anniversary coming up in a few days, and all that's transpired in the last five years, and where we are and how we got here and where we're going and I was just so grateful.

Craigslist Texts

I listed an old bedding set on Craigslist today. The following two text conversations occurred in THE PAST FIVE MINUTES (during which I lost faith in humanity, or at least America's public schools).

1. THE PLEASE-TELL-ME-YOU'RE-NOT-TEXTING-THIS-SOBER

"Is yr bed still avail if so where do u live"

2. THE CAVEMAN

"U stull have comforter set"

"Sorry, sold :( I need to update that on Craigslist."

"Okay thankd"

***UPDATE: 9:50AM THE FOLLOWING MORNING***

3. THE HEY-YOU-ACTUALLY-WROTE-A-COHERENT-SENTENCE!

"Hi do you still have the queen size bedding?"

Still needs a comma after "hi" and a hyphen between "queen" and "size", but I'll take what I can get.

4. THE I-HAVE-ARAB-FRIENDS-WHO-USE-BETTER-ENGLISH-GRAMMAR-THAN-THIS

"Hey I txt u yesterday ftom my other phone can I get ur address so around 1-2 I can go pick up the comforter??"

So You Want To Humblebrag On Facebook

Allow me to take a break from regularly scheduled content--that is, no content (SORRY!!! I'M TRYNNA DECURATE MAH HOUSE)--to offer a quick tutorial for the ladies.

We all know that social media platforms provide quick-fixes for wilty egos. We can self-select the best of ourselves to put on display, highlighting only the most exciting, most raw, and most sexy  things about us. Ours are the days of Instagram: A couple filters are all you need to even out your skin tone and heck, while you're at it, add a tan.

But let's face it. Despite our best efforts, there are some days when you're just always one-upped. Camping in Yosemite? That kid from fourth-grade is trekking in the Alps. On days like this, it's good to have THE ULTIMATE FACEBOOK HUMBLEBRAG TRUMP CARDS FOR LADIES.

• POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF IN A SWIMSUIT and then make an offhand comment about how it's a "beautiful day at the beach! <3" Just wait for the comments and likes to roll in! The OMG YOU'RE SOOOO SKINNY!!!s and the STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOWs will flood your inbox like the waves crashing upon that beach that you coyly used as an excuse to post a picture of your half-naked body! You'll fool everyone!!!

• POST A PICTURE OF THE HEALTHY FOOD YOU'RE EATING. A lunch of quinoa and salmon? Don't keep that to yourself, sister! You're not bragging . . . you're inspiring. 

• PICK AN AMAZING CONCERT VENUE AND TAG YOURSELF AT IT. I don't care if you're not at the Bowery watching a Bob Dylan concert. You are tonight. And when people ask why you're in New York, don't respond. That'll only make them stalk you more (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED). I mean c'mon, how else are they going to see photos of all those beautiful beaches you go to?!

• BUY PLANE TICKETS TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND POST A SCREENSHOT. Here's the trick, you don't even have to really buy  them. Just go through the motions until you get to the credit card page. All you need is a screenshot of SLC-->CGD $1200.  Say you're going for a film festival/fashion week, and when the time comes, express dismay that a "family emergency" came up (again, BE SURE TO DO THIS ON FACEBOOK). Bonus points for flying on foreign airlines or for an itinerary that includes a third-world country.

• TAG YOURSELF AT THE LOCAL BIKRAM YOGA STUDIO. So hot, so pure. Don't do yoga? DOESN'T MATTER.

• POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF AT A STATE FAIR WEARING A CROP TOP AND TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE AT COACHELLA. Like they'll know the difference.

You're welcome.

Oh, no. You are doing the dishes and I felt so sneaky because I was hacking your blog. But I forgot that when you hack something you have to have something to say. Unless you're with that Anonymous group. Then you can steal things and plant viruses. But I wasn't planning on doing either of those.

I just heard some dishes clank together. You must be drying them because if they're clanking, that means you've put them on the drying rack (since they always slip and bang together on the drying rack). I still hear the water running a little, even though nothing is under it.

This has been the most uneventful hacking of my life. You just asked me to come dry the plates. I said, "One second." I think I'll spend that one second like this:

Writing "I love you."

I'm sorry it took me longer than a second to get to the kitchen to dry the plates.